from the legal pad

the few life traditions i have are far from fossils. in fact, at moments i wish them not. my anxiety rises as we sit to watch our christmas film. and it's only the second annual running.   as we prepare, i wonder, "is this it? this is all we could come up with?"  with reluctance i appoint the calendar slot. it sounds better in passing conversation than it looks on paper. "oh we do this every year." (which actually means, "well we did this last year, and there was something about it.") fifteen minutes in and my mind wanders. yet at some unidentified, elusive moment- i am caught up.  the dance scene is funny, again. the twinkle in their eyes captivate. the film is just fine.  but the practice is incredible. ritual is not easy for my wayward spirit. i am too often awkward and unsettled. but sitting with her, again, and again- waiting, listening, hoping.  life's slow, repetitive rhythm finds me home.  

as one enters,    the other must leave. and as one delays,    i am stuck between. a bitter morning,   forgotten in afternoon warmth. i am ready,    am i ready? wait- holiday lights bring not the cold,   rather an anticipation. my ice scrapper,   in voided preseason. the earth's tilt, rotation and placement,   yes these help. but one must leave,   for the other to enter.                                      winter.

i sense an expectation to do well. task after task, accomplish summit relish. less room to outdo, i change genres. so as to solidify the game. the pressure, internal. the purpose, preservation. can i celebrate ok? find room for plain? wait? not care? not with this lingering motive.

i met a hard-living rancher from west texas who cried at the drop of a hat. our conversations were odd. as he told me about his cattle, the drought and old-world things, he would get choked up and have to look away.  my father, a large man, cried all the time. as an adolescent, it drove me nuts. i spent a few years reacting against my father's emotionalism (among other freudian behaviors). i didn't, or acted not to cry throughout high school and college. the more recent fact is that i have less problems with the boohoo-ing. maybe i've matured a bit.  maybe i'm learning to accept the parts of my father in me that drive me nuts.  these are logical explanations. but i'd prefer to confess this as my litmus test:  if it's beautiful, then it's worth my emotion.  most weeks i celebrate the genius of modern family with a laugh, but ever so often, it's with reddened, moist eyes.  sometimes, after a hard month, i drive and let...

it has taken years to get here. what has not lead me to this place? had i set out to come to this, likely i'd still be lost    wandering    and opposed. then why do i want you to hurry? unsuccessfully i've rushed    myslef. so please, don't come. but find a way    to ignore me    to translate    to wait    to find self    to

entering the second, i recognize a great failure. of all the words and phrases that have trended in our vocabulary, one i enjoy the least: secular. i cringe, yet also realize the distinction, not between meanings or contexts, but between values. what was once clear to me in the first half, is now blurred, though no less important.  i welcome the creativity of the gray, the artistry of the world, the thrill of breathing. there is neither secular, nor super-natural. there is only alive. i believe that humans are flawed, yet at once, incredible. all life is secular, yet entirely belonging to the greater. rinse and repeat, my hope is not for more division- i wait for wholeness.

i go among the tall trees, looking for nothing. trail interrupted by a large oak. face down after august storm, too high to scale- too low to duck, unclip. the uprooted stump lifts the earth and leaves a grave beneath. the canopy gapped by the loss. i sit, sip, catch my breath. mosquitoes catch up, peace hard to appreciate. as i leave, i hardly notice the holly tree sprouting from the base of the downed giant. arising parallel to the ground will make the winter long. but spring will bring new light where the tall tree once stood.